


our past is real

by cosmicocean



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Gen, honestly everyone who isn't finn and my oc aren't in this much, it's pretty much finn's story and few others, mentions of torture, the first order totally sucks guys
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-26
Updated: 2016-10-26
Packaged: 2018-08-27 04:16:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8386876
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cosmicocean/pseuds/cosmicocean
Summary: Poe cheerfully recounts how he almost got hit by a TIE Fighter’s blast to him, without the shadow of fear in his voice Finn knows too well. The shadow of a higher up pulling you aside and telling you that “it’s time for Reconditioning”, the shadow of them strapping you into a chair and digging into your brain until they find what made you screw up last time and fix it.Where Finn remembers terrible things, and one good person.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I know that Phasma said that Finn had nothing on his record before, but let's just forget about that.

About a month and a half after he wakes up, Finn realizes they don’t have Recond here. 

He keeps waiting for it, waiting for when someone to pull members of the Resistance aside after a difficult mission, one where someone made a mistake. He hasn’t been allowed out on missions yet, still healing, otherwise he’d be waiting for it here.

But it doesn’t happen. Poe cheerfully recounts how he almost got hit by a TIE Fighter’s blast to him, without the shadow of fear in his voice Finn knows too well. The shadow of a higher up pulling you aside and telling you that “it’s time for Reconditioning”, the shadow of them strapping you into a chair and digging into your brain until they find what made you screw up last time and fix it.

Finn doesn’t bring it up to anyone after he realizes. He thinks it might be one of those things that doesn’t happen to the rest of the galaxy, like when he talked about being left on Hoth for three days at the age of thirteen to prove himself. 

 

_Eight-Seven is ten standard operating years. Eight-Seven is a good stormtrooper. Eight-Seven is afraid._

_Slip is afraid, too. They call him Slip because he is so much smaller than the rest of them, his clothes never quite fitting. Slip whispers to Eight-Seven sometimes about it, grabbing at his hand for comfort when they’re in their bunks._

_“Let’s run,” Eight-Seven suggests when they are in a stealth mission on Coruscant. Slip’s eyes get wide in his pale, wispy face._

_“We can’t run!”_

_“Yes, we can!” Eight-Seven grabs Slip’s hand. “On three?”_

_Slip hesitates, swallows, nods. “On three.”_

_They are of course caught, no matter how desperately they weave through the side streets. They are brought to Recond, the place they’ve heard whispered throughout the ranks, and it hurts it hurts it hurts_

 

Finn wakes up. He does what he’s inclined to do each time he has a dream from his past. He gets up and he goes to the gym.

The Recond dreams, he muses as he hits the punching bag, are new. He’d wondered if he’d ever remember what happened from the times Recond Wiped him, and he’d guess that without regular time being Wiped they’re coming back. He wonders if any of the Stormtroopers who’d only been Wiped once (as almost everyone had, sooner or later) remember their pre-Wipe lives. But those who’d only been Wiped once are few and far between.

He doesn’t tell anyone about the dreams, either. It would require telling them about Recond as well.

 

Jessika Pava reminds Finn a lot of Rey, in all the best ways. She’s bright and she’s bubbly and she’s enthusiastic. She asks him questions about his life before the Resistance, even as others frantically flap their hands and hiss at her. Finn doesn’t mind remotely; he’s sick of everyone treating him like he’s made of glass, anyway. As a result, she’s the first person he explains Recond to. She listens closely, nods at the end, and says thoughtfully “that’s rough, buddy.” Finn laughs so hard his sides ache and doesn’t regret his choice one bit.

 

_The little girl is scared, but Phasma shoves her against Eight-Seven anyway. The girl stumbles and Eight-Seven catches her instinctively._

_“FN-2187,” she tells him. “This is WS-1129. She is your Charge now. You will be training her.”_

_Eight-Seven is fifteen standard operating years. He knows several things. He knows that not every Trooper is receiving a Charge, and this is a test of his leadership and loyalty. He knows this girl is one of those picked up on a recruiting run from Yavin 4, possibly purchased from parents who couldn’t care less about what happened to her but more likely abducted from a village or a town. Probably a village: they were harder to defend. These recruits have been in Cryo for three years, so while she appears to be in the condition of someone ten standard operating years, she has been alive for twelve. She looks up at him with wide, frightened brown eyes._

_“Yes, Captain.”_

_“Your room has been changed. She will bunk in a room adjacent to yours.”_

_“Yes, Captain.”_

_“Return to quarters.”_

_“Yes, Captain.”_

_Eight-Seven and WS-1129 walk back to quarters together, the only sound WS-1129’s occasional sniffles. Once the quarters seal, Eight-Seven kneels in front of her, taking off his helmet._

_“Hey, it’s okay,” he murmurs gently. “It’s okay. I’m Eight-Seven.”_

_She cries a little harder. “I don’t remember my name.”_

_They must have Wiped her in Recond before they put her into Cryo. The first Wipe is always the worst, so Eight-Seven has heard. He can’t remember, obviously. “That’s okay, too. Want to get a name? We can give you a name.”_

_“The scary lady said my name is WS-1129 now, but I know I had something before.”_

_“Her name’s Phasma.” Eight-Seven leans in a little conspiratorially. “She_ is _scary, isn’t she?”_

_WS-1129 nods._

_“You’re very small.” She’s skinny, and almost reminds Eight-Seven of someone he might have known once, when he was her age, but then it’s gone. “WS, huh? How about Wisp? Is that all right with you?”_

_She wipes her nose with the back of her hand. “I like it. What’s your name?”_

_“My name’s Eight-Seven.”_

_She frowns. “You can’t have a number for a name. What do they call you fully?”_

_“FN-2187.”_

_Wisp nods sagely. “Effin. That’s what I can call you.”_

_“We can’t call each other that when we’re in uniform, all right? We have to call each other by rank.”_

_“Yes, Effin.” She slides her bare hand into his gloved one_

 

Finn wakes up with a gasp. 

 

He approaches the General that morning.

“I’d like to see any records you have on child abductions by the First Order,” he tells her. She arches an eyebrow at him. It’s not one of her Frightening Eyebrow Raises. He’s seen those, and he almost wants to shudder at the thought.

“Is it for yourself?”

“No, ma’am. Personal reasons, ma’am.”

General Organa cocks her head at him and then nods. “Connix will direct you to the archives.”

Finn studies the reports from Yavin 4. If he was fifteen when assigned Wisp, and she’d been taken three years before then, then it would have been seven years prior to now that she was kidnapped. He finds records of an attack from right around that time on the small village of Oshwa. Fifteen boys were taken. One girl, Ashra Spedhosk. There were few adult survivors, no parents. 

 

“Who’s she?” Poe asks, leaning over Finn’s seat, when he sees him sketching Wisp. They taught the Stormtroopers to be able to draw in case they needed to recount a Resistance member’s face for wanted posters. Finn hesitates.

“She’s a girl I was in charge of once,” he tells Poe. “A friend. I called her Wisp.”

Poe sits next to him properly. “Is she still in the Order?”

Finn traces one of his lines with his fingernail, careful not to smudge it. “I don’t know,” he admits. “I can’t remember.”

“You can’t remember?”

Finn considers him and then sighs. He explains Recond to Poe, not with all the details, but a basic overview, neat and tidy. He can’t look at Poe when he’s done. He doesn’t want to see the look on his face.

“That’s… that’s terrible, Finn.”

Finn shrugs.

“Have you talked to anybody about this?”

“I told Jess.”

“What did she say?”

“She said ‘that’s rough, buddy’.”

Poe snorts. “Of course she did.”

Finn finally looks at Poe. He lacks all the horror Finn expected, or the pity. Just compassion.

“You know you can talk to us about this stuff, right?” Poe asks.

“I don’t want you guys to treat me any different.”

“All right, I’ll make a deal with you. You talk to me about these things when you need to if I promise not to react in any way that’s unfavorable. And if I do, you tell me and I’ll correct it.” Poe holds out his hand. “Deal.”

Finn shakes it with a grin, feeling vaguely lighter. “Deal.”

 

_The training room is empty. Effin leads Wisp into the blaster practice area._

_“Now, you’ve got to be steady,” he tells her. “In the heat of battle, you’re going to be running around and everything’s going to be chaos. But you’ve got to be steady. Remember; Breathe, Aim, Shoot.”_

_“Breathe, Aim, Shoot,” Wisp repeats. It’s not a mantra the other Stormtroopers have adopted, but it’s one Wisp knows. It’s also their code for “we could be in trouble, improvise” for when Captains are near and they might spot that Effin was more of a big brother to Wisp than a Stormtrooper had any right to be. Right now, however, it’s a simple instruction._

_They lie on their bellies. Effin hands Wisp a blaster. Wisp squints and misses the target. She curses. She’s picked up quite a bit of that from other Troopers._

_“It’s okay. Remember.” He puts a gentle hand on her back. “Breathe. Aim. Shoot.”_

_“Breathe, Aim, Shoot,” she says again. She takes a long, deep breath. Takes aim. Hits the bulls-eye smack in the middle._

_“I did it!” She squeals. Effin grins and puts an arm around her shoulders._

_“You did! Good job!”_

 

“A scouting mission found something odd on Korriban,” the General tells Finn. “A First Order building of some kind. We want you to go and check it out, explain to us what it is.”

Finn’s stomach lurches. He knows exactly what it is. “Yes, General.”

“I will be accompanying you on this mission. I want to know what this is in case they’re building a new weapon.”

“Yes, General.” General Organa is occasionally hands-on. She always seems lighter when she does it, like the weight has been lifted off her shoulders. Poe has theorized that it’s because it reminds her of the old days, when she still had her brother and her husband. Finn thinks that’s probably right.

They fly to Korriban. Finn is silent, causing Jessika and Poe to look worriedly at him often. Poe sidles up to him about halfway through the flight and presses his shoulder against Finn’s. Jessika does the same. It’s vaguely comforting.

They land on the planet to see a large black and red building with the mark of the First Order on it. It’s a little dilapidated, like it was left in a hurry. Finn quietly walks towards it. He pushes the door and it falls over.

The building is totally empty. Everyone’s looking around.

“Do you recognize this place, Finn?” the General asks. Finn nods.

“Follow me,” he says a little thickly.

He knows where the room is. The First Order is fond of keeping the same layout for everything. It’s just as he remembers when he left it for the last time. Why he does not remember. He swallows when he sees The Chair.

It has an official name, the Reconditioning Apparatus, but all the Stormtroopers called it The Chair. It does resemble a simple chair, but with something that could fit on your head attached to it and belts on the arms, wrists, and legs. One would sit in the chair and be strapped in, and the device for one’s head would slowly lower. 

“This is the Wiping Chair,” he tells the General, Jessika, and Poe dully. They’re the only ones to accompany him, the others inspecting the building for data. “This is where they would Wipe our memories if we stepped out of line. Not just the ones of us being disobedient. All of them.”

Jessika makes a horrified noise in the back of her throat. “This looks like a torture device.” 

“It was.” Finn puts a hand on the helmet like part. “It hurt like hell.” He stands there for a moment, then clears his throat. “There should be another series of rooms. Follow me.”

There are of course many rooms with Chairs. He avoids all the other and heads straight for the Cryo Chambers.

The pods are empty. Finn remembers having to clean the rooms, seeing the frozen faces of Stormtroopers so deviant they were locked away. He remembers wishing he had the guts to be one of them.

“This is Cryo.” His voice is still in a monotone. “This is where they kept us when they froze us for disobedience. They must have evacuated when they heard the Resistance was coming so they wouldn’t know about this.” He wipes the dust off one of the Cryo pods. “They didn’t count on me.”

Poe walks up and puts a hand on Finn’s shoulder while Jessika hugs him from behind.

“I’m sorry, Finn,” Jessika whispers.

“It’s okay.” Finn takes a deep breath. _Breathe, Aim, Shoot._ “It’s fine.”

“Did this ever happen to you?” General Organa sounds appalled. Poe and Jessika release him as Finn turns to her.

“The Wiping, sure, but the Cryo-“

_“Effin!”_

Finn stops. The scream echoes in his ears.

“Finn?”

“ _Effin!”_

_“Wisp!”_

Finn dimly feels himself fall to his knees, feels someone catch him before he falls all the way.

_“You’ve developed too much of an emotional attachment to your charge,” Phasma says, bearing no emotion. “We will be putting WS-1129 into Cryo. You will be Wiped.” It’s been two years since Wisp came to him._

_“No, no, please.” They’re tugging at Wisp trying to get him away from her, but he’s clutching her and she’s grabbing him and they won’t take her they_ can’t _take her. “Please, put me into Cryo instead, she’s young, she’ll learn-“_

_One of the Stormtroopers trying to take her punches him in the face and he goes down. They grab Wisp and she starts screaming._

_“Effin! Effin!”_

_“Wisp!” They’re dragging her away, oh no, oh no, oh no, please, please not her. “I’ll find you! I promise, I’ll find you!”_

_She keeps screaming his name as they drag her away, and they pull him away too, pull him to Wiping, pull her away to worse, take him, take him-_

“Finn!”

Finn jerks, instinctively reaches out to punch whoever’s shouting at him. General Organa easily catches his fist and pins it to his chest. He desperately searches for breath.

“Sorry,” he heaves. “Sorry, sorry, instinct.”

General Organa releases him. “It’s all right, Finn.”

“You were screaming,” Jessika tells him. The three of them are crowded around him where he’s lying on the ground. “You were screaming about Wisp.” Jessika knows about Wisp, about his memories.

“They took her away,” he gasps. “They took her into Cryo. They took her away from me.”

“I’m so sorry, Finn,” Poe says, taking his hand. Finn starts giggling and the three of them share worried looks.

“This is good,” he tells them. “This means she’s alive.”

 

The General gives him a week of sick leave. It gives Finn time to think and plan.

 

“There’s rumors of a base full of Stormtroopers in Cryo,” Finn tells General Organa. She looks up.

“Pardon?”

“There’s rumors of a Cryo base full of Stormtroopers. All of them deviant. They won’t have been Wiped.”

“And you want to go find them.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You think that the girl will be there.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

General Organa frowns. “I’m not sure I can give you leave to go hunting for your friend, Finn. We need you here.”

“There’ll be a bunch of Stormtroopers, all disobedient, who would probably be willing to join the Resistance even if we _didn’t_ rescue them. This is an advantage to us.”

General Organa is silent.

“When I was a young woman,” she says finally. “My husband, Chewbacca and I were captured by Darth Vader. It was a trap, to bring Luke to us. He knew this, and he came anyway to save us.”

She smiles. It’s not something one sees often, and it warms Finn’s heart a little that she’s giving one to him.

“You remind me of my brother.” She returns to her notes. “Pick out your crew. You’ll have to find your own ship.”

 

Jessika volunteers immediately.

“I need to keep an eye on you,” she says. “You’ll get into trouble. Besides, I know of a person who deals in cheap YT-2000 freighters and you’ll need a co-pilot.”

Finn grins. “Wouldn’t have it any other way, Jess.”

 

Jess is the only crew member on board the YT-2000 alongside him. Finn name it _Rescue_ , which Jessika says is a little obvious but keeps the grumbling to a minimum. It’s one of the same series as the _Falcon,_ with the same round hull, only with an attached command pod to fly it. Slowly, they accumulate more crew, mercenaries who say the First Order is hurting their business, wide eyed men and women determined to do Good. They end up with fifteen people. They scout for information alongside Finn and Jess. Mercenaries have good contacts.

He keeps in touch with Rey, who guides him on how to use the Force. He can’t stop blaster bolts like Kylo Ren, but he can hurl objects by now, and that’s been useful.

Jessika helps him pick out an outfit. “You’re a smuggler for the Resistance now,” she says. “Look the part.”

“I don’t smuggle anything,” he points out.

“You smuggle _information._ ”

So, six months on when Poe comes to check in, Finn’s wearing a black hat with a black trench coat with many buttons on it. He’s also wearing black pants and a leather shirt with a brown middle, laces on top of the shirt loosely tied.

“Look at you,” Poe says with a grin. “You’re all smugglery.”

“Jess’s idea.” Finn grins back. “I do look good though.”

“General Organa wanted to know if you have anything.”

“Follow me.”

They weave through the crew and the corridors to head to the holographic table they’ve built into the freighter; one of the mercs, Weavan, had found one in a junk shop and fixed it up. Finn pulls up an image of Dantooine. 

“We finally had a break yesterday, We’re pretty sure they’ve located it on Dantooine. This is the big one. Everyone in Cryo is in that base. It’s holding 255 people.”

“So it might hold Wisp.”

“If she’s still in Cryo.” He pulls up the base schematics. “It’s massive. I’m gonna need more troops, my crew is just not gonna cut it. We’ll need about 150 people, there’ll be about 100 manning the base.”

“We can do that. I’ll send a message to General Organa and she’ll send people. She told me she was willing to do so before I left.”

“Good.” Finn squares his shoulders. “I’m ready.”

 

A small ship arrives by Finn’s later that day. The crew primes for an attack. 

“Shuttlecraft, this is YT-2000 ship _Rescue_ , model number THX-1138, please state your intention.”

Silence.

“Shuttlecraft, I repeat, this is YT-2000 ship _Rescue_ , model number THX-1138, please state your intention or we will be forced to open fire.”

Sudden, crackling static.

“Sorry!” a familiar voice cries. “Sorry, sorry, the radio on this thing is _terrible_ , absolutely awful.”

Finn grins. “Let her aboard.”

When the ship docks, Finn is waiting. Rey comes across and beams.

“Nice hat.”

“Thank you. Nice robes.”

She’s wearing Jedi robes, making Finn wonder how she’d gotten them if she hadn’t left Ach-To since she arrived. Perhaps Skywalker had them there in a closet or something?

She hugs him tightly and he returns it. “What the hell are you doing here?”

“You’re going on a rescue mission. I’ve never been on a rescue mission before. I thought it might be fun.”

“Where’s Skywalker?”

“He’s taken the _Falcon_ with Chewie and R2 and they’ve gone to see General Organa.”

Finn’s glad he’s not back at the base for that.

 

They assemble on the far side of Dantooine, flying in under cloud cover. Finn paces in front of the troops.

“You _cannot_ hit any of the Pods,” he tells them. “There will be living Stormtroopers in those pods, willing to join our cause. We can do this. Do you believe me?”

A chorus of yeses.

“Good.” He smiles as bravely as he can muster. “Let’s do it.”

 

Finn, Jessika, and Poe are leading a small squad of fighters to move through the chaos and begin rescuing people from Cryo pods, in case the First Order attempted to kill them rather than hand them over to the Resistance. They move quickly through the hallways that haven’t had First Order people until Finn, leading the charge, stops dead.

A First Order officer, looking terrified, has one’s of Wisp’s shoulders gripped tightly in one hand and a shaking blaster pressed to her temple with the other. Finn holds up a fist to signify that the others should stop.

“This is your charge, right?” he says desperately. “You’re FN-2187, this is the girl you led? Stop what you’re doing or I kill her.”

Wisp looks exactly the same as she did when Finn saw her, twelve years old and still a tiny little thing. Her eyes are just as wide as they were when she was first assigned to him, just as scared.

“Effin?” she asks hesitantly, studying him, sounding a little disbelieving. Finn doesn’t blame her. He looks radically different than the last time they saw each other.

“You okay, Wisp?”

“Yeah.” She’s shivering, though, and Finn would be willing to be that’s the effects of the Cryo lingering. 

“Drop your weapons.” The man sounds a little shrill. “I said drop them!”

Finn meets Wisp’s eyes.

“Wisp,” he says clearly. “Breathe, Aim, Shoot.”

He sees Poe and Jessika look at him out the corner of their eyes like he’s crazy. Wisp’s face smoothes.

“What does that mean?” The officer demands. “ _What does that mean?_ Tell me or I-“

Wisp elbows the man in the stomach, catching him by surprise. Poe quickly shoots the officer as Wisp scampers towards Finn, Finn meeting her halfway in a tight hug. She’s cold to the touch.

“It’s okay,” he whispers. “It’s okay, I’ve got you.”

“What happened?” she whispers back. “You got old.”

Finn laughs. “I did.” He pulls back and tugs off his coat, wrapping Wisp in it. It’s huge on her, but she rolls up the sleeves as he talks. “Listen to me, listen close. You’re going to go with one of them now, all right?”

“But-“

“I know.” He rubs her arms comfortingly. “I know that you’ve been trained to do this. But I’ve had to take lives, Wisp, and I’m going to have to take more, and I don’t want to put that on you, too. Please. Let me do this one thing for you.”

Wisp hesitates, then nods. “Okay.”

“Rey, do you want to-“

Rey nods. “Got it.”

“You can trust Rey, all right? She’s one of my best friends _and_ she’s a Jedi.”

Wisp stares up at her in awe. “Really?”

“Well. Almost.” She smiles reassuringly. “Close enough.”

It seems to work for Wisp, because she leaves with Rey. Finn straightens and readies his blaster.

“Come on, lazy bum,” Jessika tells him cheerfully. “Back to work.”

 

Finn puts Poe in charge of the group taking the former Troopers out of Cryo. Poe is friendly and kind, and he’ll do well handling their disorientation. Jessika and a member of the Resistance Finn doesn't know approach him, the members of the First Order that surrendered carefully guarded behind them.

“What should we do with these guys?” Jessika asks. Finn surveys them and raises his voice slightly.

“Listen to me. I was the traitor Stormtrooper FN-2187. I know what Hux and Phasma and Ren will do to you if you come back having lost this base.”

A ripple of uncertain murmuring passes through the crowd.

“I’m not going to make you go through that. So I’ll give you two options. You can join the Resistance, who will be happy to have you. Or we can drop you off at the next inhabited planet and you can fend for yourselves from there. I’ll understand if you want to run from the First Order. It was my first instinct, too. I won’t judge you. Nobody will.”

The look on Jessika’s face says she might judge them a little bit, but Finn ignores it. The officers consult with each other.

In the end, it’s split pretty down the middle. Half decide to throw their lot in with the Resistance, while the other half decide to make their own way. Jessika and the other Resistance member in charge start dividing them up and talking with them. Finn, meanwhile, makes his way to outside the base by the ships, where Rey and Wisp are sitting on the grass. He sits next to Wisp. She leans into him and he puts his arm around her shoulders.

“Did it hurt when they Wiped you?” she asks.

“Sure,” he answers easily. “But I remembered in the end.”

“Do you think I’ll remember my family? The attack on my village?”

“I don’t know. Probably.”

Rey doesn’t say anything about how blunt he’s being with Wisp, and he feels a rush of gratitude. Rey, it seems, understands that sometimes being straightforward is the least painful way to go.

“Will you be here when I do.”

“Always.” He squeezes her shoulders a little with his arm. “I’m only leaving you again when you want me to, Wisp.”

She smiles. “Do they really call you Finn now? What kind of a name is that?”

Finn laughs. “You can call me whatever you want, Wisp.” He remembers. “I know your real name. Would you prefer I call you that?”

She thinks about it. “No,” she decides. “No, I like Wisp.”

“Okay.” Finn watches Jessika lead the former First Order officers outside to their new lives, former Stormtroopers filter out of the base on Poe’s heels as he chats brightly about how much they’ll love the world outside the Order. Rey is making a flower crown, small enough it would seem for Wisp. “That’s just fine with me.”

**Author's Note:**

> There was a post on tumblr with this idea that I can't find anymore, so if anyone knows where it is, please let me know so I can credit them. I made it a little more Finn getting Winter Soldiered, and here we are! It's much shorter than I expected, I have to say.
> 
> Finn's hat: http://www.thefashionisto.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/12/John-Boyega-2015-Photo-Shoot-British-GQ-007-800x1067.jpg
> 
> Finn's coat: https://cdna.lystit.com/photos/2013/12/03/burberry-dark-malt-long-bonded-cotton-trench-coat-with-studded-undercollar-product-1-15766339-027322110.jpeg
> 
> Finn's outfit: http://attackoftheclothes.tumblr.com/post/151366169622/alternate-attire-for-own-lars-belstaff-spring
> 
> The Rescue: http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/starwars/images/e/e0/Outrider_negvv.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20120124031647


End file.
